Scary Teams
by Randomus Prime
Summary: Beyond good. Beyond evil. Beyond your wildest Random. Let the cross-overs commence!Strong language, slash, suggestive themes, disturbance in sanity, definitely not for children, crack  not cocaine  fic, high concentration of bat-sh*t insane! Moved this to Normal because  can't have crossovers with more than 2 categories
1. Chapter 1

**_Scary Teams_**

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><p><strong><span>Who<span> is that Doctor?**

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><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**Scary Teams is basically a series of crossovers between Transformers and at least one character from another TV Show. The idea first came to me when, I think, C.M.D. and me were throwing around fanfic ideas, discussing pairings so on and so forth. Eventually we got on the topic of crazy and, of course, Doctor Who came up since we recently had 2 marathons of Doctor Who, and, obviously, Wheeljack. **

**I like Doctor Who, it is a great TV series, I would definitely recommend it, the guys who are writing that show are pretty genius!**

**But it doesn't match up against Transformers Generation One, no way. (Do mind that it is my ... wait for it ... OPINION)**

**So after quickly comparing the two in my mind, I threw a question: what if The Doctor and Wheeljack met? Only one answer came to our minds:**

**... ho ... shit ...**

**and**

**WRITE IT!**

**And so I did, here it is! Wheeljack meets ... The Doctor (the 11th Doctor)! Brought to you by me, Randomus Prime!**

**Buy Energon'O's, they are good for you! And check out Randomus Prime on youtube! That guy is hilarious! And no, I am not him, we just happen to have the same name.**

**AND THUS BEGUN THE CROSS-OVERS!**

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><p>"Who the slag uses a quark poweh converteh teh fuel a paraquartex generateh?"<p>

"Well, aren't we big metallic all-knowing robots with big, big lighting thingies that lights up when we talk?"

"At least I don' need a rod tah tell me shit."

"Hey! I love my sonic screwdriver!"

"'N' I love Energon'O's; your point?"

"Oh, Energon'O's? That sounds lovely!"

"Yeh bet yer aft they are …"

"… and what is this beautiful device?"

"That's my matteh replicateh."

"And just what does it do?"

"It replicates matteh, yeh dolt."

"Yes! Of course! Matter! With all the protons and neutrons and electrons!"

"Yeah, genius, that's what makes up an atom …"

"So how does it work exactly? Do you use a unilateral transverse recombination matrix?"

"Eh, no, a few egg beatehs …"

"Egg beaters? How in the world do you use egg beaters …"

"If ya can't figure it out on yer own, I ain' tellin' ya shit."

"Oh, playing hard to get, are we? Well, I did invent a timey-whimey, chronosphere detector! There!"

"You mean the piece 'a' crap yeh been wigglin' 'round fer a good cycle now?"

"Cycle? Is that how you measure time? Why not cubes or tetrahedrals …"

"'Cause we ain' stupid, that's why."

"What do you mean 'stupid'? There are some marvelous inventions invented by inventive inventors!"

"Any of them made a freakin' replicateh out of egg-beatehs? What was that? No? That's what I freakin' thought."

"Now, what is this big laboratory? Is this where your species create stuff? Wobbly moggly inventive mechanical stuff?"

"That's where I made yer momma."

"Oh, mean big robots with light bulbs! I love it!"

"Frag! My pseudoelectron particle accelerateh!"

"What? Fake electrons? These are some very, very, very, very, very not real subatomic particles!"

"No? Really? I neveh knew that pseudo means fake! Thanks, Captain Obvious!"

"Oh, captain, that would be a first!"

"I bet ya still have many firsts tah have …"

"Oi! Whatever was that supposed to mean! Of course I will have many firsts!"

"Heh, so we agree …"

"No, no, no, no! This is not how you handle a particle accelerator! The warp frequency is too high for a stable …"

"Bitch, don' you dare …"

* * *

><p>"Optimus, sir," the police car walked into the control room, expecting the Autobot Leader to be there, "It is time for the monthly inspection of the base."<p>

"Thanks, Prowl," the red truck turned away from Teletraan I's controls and joined his SIC, "What is the first thing on the list?"

"The laboratories, sir."

"All right, let's go." The two mechs entered the hall way and proceeded to their target destination. Conversationally, Optimus asked, "How are things with Jazz?"

"Good, sir."

"I heard from Smokescreen that he requested both of you to attend a therapy session."

"Yes, we will. It's just that I won't be free for weeks and Jazz's schedule is packed too."

"I see," Optimus nodded. It really was a busy time for some reason; anyone barely had a single free minute to just stop, sit back and enjoy a cube of energon. They barely managed to squeeze in the inspection! "It would be best if you tried to make it as fast as possible, I cannot allow you or any of the Autobots to be in a vulnerable state."

"I will see what I can do, Prime."

"YER A DUMBASS!" Suddenly, Wheeljack's voice thundered through the halls of the Ark, "THAT IS A …wait, what the frag is that thing?"

"Oh, for Cybertron's sake, is he arguing with Perceptor again?" Prowl couldn't help but arrange his face plates to show dissatisfaction, "Did they not have enough last week?"

"If I had to say, I would say that it looks like a …" Another, quieter voice hit their audio sensors, "… what is this thing?"

"It kinda looks like a …" They heard the engineer make a short pause and a few seconds later heard him speak over the the Ark's communication network, "PERCEPTEH! GET YER AFT IN HERE NOW!"

"What? Who is Perceptor? Another robot with light bulbs?"

"No, a biggeh dork than you."

"Oi! I do not like your attitude!"

"Hey, wanna go squishy, squishy?"

"That, you will not do!"

"'N' why the slag not?"

"For reasons I have not yet thought about giving you."

"Watch it! Yer overloadin' the crystal lattice!"

"Oh, pish, what's the worst that could happen?"

"It will stabilize the accelerateh, that's what!"

"… is that bad? Stabilizing your unstable equipment is bad?"

"Yes!"

"Wha … how is it bad? It will tear a hole in space!"

"THAT'S THE SLAGGIN' POINT! I need to test out the TV remote!"

"What? You need to test out what?"

"My TV remote! It broke; I fixed it and I need to test it out!"

"On a hole in space?"

"Would yeh ratheh me test it out on yer box?"

"No! I love my box! It makes shfluffy sounds! So why do you need a hole in space? A big, good ol' space hole in the continuum for a TV remote? Oh! That is rich! TV remotes that control time and space, what a deliciously ridiculous idea! That is not possible, my dear mechanical friend! Isn't it?"

"You keep thinkin' that."

"Nooo! Really? That is genius!"

"'Bout time."

"Hm," Prowl leaned towards Optimus and whispered, "I thought that Perceptor made that TV remote to impress Wheeljack."

"Who is it with him in the laboratory?," the red mech whispered back.

"I don't know. I suggest we make our entrance after Perceptor comes. From what we heard it is obvious that the intruder is not an enemy, Wheeljack is letting him touch his equipment, for one."

"Agreed."

"And two, we are hearing quite an interesting conversation. I suggest we stay back until Perceptor comes."

"Aren't we pressed for time?"

"We have a chance to uncover more false information fed to the authority, it takes precedence over the inspection as stated in Paragraph 42 …"

"All right then."

"Here," Prowl opened up a tiny janitor's closet right next to the lab.

Optimus walked into the small, poorly lit room and looked around. A single rack of bottles half filled with cleaning solutions and a Transklonkers poster were the only things it had to offer.

"Over here," the Second-In-Command took the poster off the wall and showed Prime a little slot, "I asked Grapple to install these in other closets adjacent to key facilities in case of emergencies, lockdowns, or whatever else for."

"What is that?"

"This, Optimus," Prowl smirked, "Is a little something that will allow us to hear and see what is going on in the other room."

"How?"

"You just need to enter the correct combination of numbers and letters and there you go!" the police car worked his magic passwords as a panel revealed itself, "Now, a tiny display is showing us what is in the room! Wait, that's not a transformer! That's a human!"

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><p>"PERCEPTEH! GET YER AFT IN HERE NOW!"<p>

"Aw, do you have to go?" Sunstreaker slowly stretched himself across the whole berth, nearly pushing Sideswipe onto the ground, showing off his curves with a mischievous glint in his optics and a playful smirk spread out on his lip components.

"If you want," the red Lamborghini wrestled his brother for berthspace, sat up straight, grabbed Perceptor by the arm and swung the microscope back to himself, "We could punish him for you …"

"Oh, no, that will be quite unnecessary," Perceptor a faint blush ran over his faceplates, shying away, "There is probably some sort of a problem and my presence is required immediately."

"Aw," the twins slowly got off the berth and surrounded the scientist from both sides as they lovingly squeezed him in a hug, "But we were having so much fun!"

"He wouldn't call me if I was not needed …"

"… but he could be a lot nicer!"

"Yeah!" Sideswipe slowly brushed his leg on Perceptor's, "How can anyone be so mean to such a cutesy-cutesy-Pieceptor?"

"Oh, dear …"

"All right," Sunstreaker was the first to let go of their love interest, "We might as well begin paperwork for that apartment on Cybertron we wanted."

"Oh, yeah, but …" the red mech swung the microscope around again, hugging him from behind and nibbling on the scientist's neck cables, making him in turn moan, "What, Percy won't be able to take care of some stupid spatial anomalies?"

"Oh, dear, ooohhhh …"

"Besides, Sunstreaker," Sideswipe turned Perceptor's head towards his and gave him a slow, passionate kiss on the lip components as he continued to run his hands all over their lover's front. He broke away lip contact reluctantly, "Don't tell me you wouldn't want another piece of this."

"Come on," the yellow brother grabbed his twin by the helmet and dragged him outside, "We got work to do. Perceptor! Call us when you are done."

"O-oh, will do!"

* * *

><p>"Hey, Sunstreaker, do you remember where we left Perceptor's present?"<p>

"Um, yes, I put it on the top shelf."

"It wasn't there."

"Huh?"

"It wasn't there."

"Wait, what do you mean?"

"The thing that we got him, it wasn't there."

"What? How is that possible? Are you sure? The top shelf on the rack to the right of the table."

"Yeah, it's not there."

"Wait, how is that possible?" Sunstreaker turned around and ran back to their quarters as Sideswipe followed.

"Are you sure you didn't put it somewhere else?"

"Yeah, I am sure!" the yellow mech blurted out as they ran into their room, "Huh, Perceptor must have left. Ok, there is the rack, top shelf …"

"Yeah, see? Not there."

"Wait, how is this possible? I put it right here …"

"Are you absolutely sure you didn't put it somewhere else?"

"No I am …" Sunstreaker sat down on the berth, rubbed his forehead with his servos.

"Well?"

"Oh, crap," he slowly raised his head, optics widening as a terrible realization made its way into his processor.

"What?"

"The lab."

"Oh, crap …"

* * *

><p>As the lambo twins left, the scientist checked if he had forgotten anything and jogged to the laboratory, expecting his friend to be on the verge of yet another crisis. It was useless to guess what it was this time, he never came even close to getting it right.<p>

"Heh, expect the unexpected. Finally! The door!"

"… BECAUSE WE AIN'T BALERINAS WEARIN' HAZMAT SUITS!"

The microscope was blown away in the first few moments of his arrival in the lab.

"… but then you won't be able to compensate for the entropic evolution paradigm factor!"

"SCREW ENTROPY! I AM ENTROPY!"

"Oh, dear …"

"Percepteh!" Wheeljack turned to the door, walked up to the scientist and violently dragged him into the lab, "Where da frag ya been? I …"

"Oh, dear! I am so sorry!" The red mech kept trying to maintain his balance and once he was placed in front of one of the tables, he noticed a human being gawking at him, with its eyes wide open and almost laughing from joy, "I am sorry, I did not realize you had company."

"Oh! Oh!" The human guest skipped to the microscope like a kid on Christmas morning to open up the presents, wiggling some sort of a device that emitted a green light and made some sort of weird sound, "That is beautiful! Such, big, metallic, sturdy, beautiful design! Are you Perceptor? Do you have light bulbs that light up like Wheeljack's? Are you some sort of a scientist? Oh, dear lord! Look at those marvelous eyes!"

"Yeah, yeah, whateveh. Percepteh is a real supeh model …"

"Wheeljack, perhaps you would wish to introduce us?"

"Hm, huh? Wait, wha'?"

"Would you mind introducing us?" Perceptor looked at the human and then, with a chill going down his spine, he glanced back at the engineer, "You do know who this is, right? Right?"

"Fuck if I know."

"I am The Doctor!"

"Doctor? Indeed? Doctor what?"

"Docteh? How?" The racing car double facepalmed, turned to 'The Doctor' and vehemently started gesturing with his hands as he furiously yelled, "How the slag 're yeh a docteh of anythin' afteh all the shit you've been tellin' me for the past two cycles?"

"The Doctor, The Doctor of everything with my sonic screw driver and my TARDIS."

"Mind if I ask what is the TARDIS?"

"Oh, it is this blue box …"

"Oh, yeh mean this one?" Wheeljack bent over and lift up an old Police Box, that at some point was used by the British law enforcement, "I thought this was a garbage disposal …"

"No, no, no, no, no, no!" The Doctor ran up to Lancia Stratos and began hectically waving his hands in the air, "Put it down! Wait, what did you mean garbage disposal?"

"Well, it's biggeh on the inside, and it's small in this dimension …"

"Oh, yes it is!"

"… makes a good trash can," the Autobot shook it for a few seconds in the air as one of the doors opened, beginning to leak random chemicals mixed with water, books and various equipment that the engineer threw inside it earlier; followed by sparks, mini explosions and trembling inside the ship, "I think yer TARDIS is broken …"

"No, no, no, no, no, no! You are causing an overload inside it! How in the universe did you manage to do that? It will tear a hole in space-time continuum!"

"Pfft, been there, done that. What else's new?" Wheeljack waved off the screaming Doctor and turned to his fellow colleague, raising his tone "Now, Percepteh …"

"I can't stop it!"

"Oh, fer slag's sake," the engineer kicked the table, making one of the drawers shoot out. He then reached into it, took out a TV remote the size of an average human being and carelessly tossed it in front of the panicking Time Lord, "Here, use that. Now, Percepteh …"

"What the bloody hell am I supposed to do with that?"

"Oh, fer Cybehtron's sake- am I supposed to fix everythin' 'round here?" Wheeljack picked up the device, pressed some buttons which only made the explosions stronger.

"What are you doing?"

"No, wait, that speeds up the process …" the engineer stroke his chin for a few seconds, "Ah, that's the sequence!"

A searing energy vortex spewed out of the TARDIS, throwing rainbowy lightning bolts in all directions and materializing a purple cartoonish fire-breathing horse with four humans holding onto it for their lives.

"MCKAY!" One of the four screamed out.

"SHEPPARD, I AM WORKING ON IT! WHY DON'T YOU TRY SOLVING MULTI-DIMENSIONAL EQUATIONS IN THESE CONDITIONS ON AN EMPTY SOTMACH?"

"No, wait," Wheeljack scratched his head and pressed a few other buttons, "Let's see what this does."

Just as suddenly as they appeared, the vortex and the horse with its four unfortunate passengers vanished into the unknown. The TARDIS, on the other hand, threw up a few men in weird red, yellow and black uniforms.

"BEAM ME UP SCOTTY! BEAM ME UP!"

"THIS IS ILLOGICAL!"

"No, that ain't right," Wheeljack lightly hit his head with one of his fingers, "Oh! Now I remebeh!"

The men disappeared, and The Doctor's space ship stabilized as if nothing ever happened.

"What …" the Time Lord kept turning from his box to the engineer, "How did you do that?"

"Like I said, ain't my first time handlin' this shit. Now," the car turned to the microscope, "Percepteh …"

"Yes?"

"What did I tell yeh 'bout keepin' personal stuff in the lab? Huh? What did I tell yeh?"

"Um, you told me that we shouldn't do that."

"Right, then do explain …" Wheeljack reached again into the drawer, taking out a pink, long cylindrical object with a thicker, mushroom-shaped end out of the drawer.

"How on Earth did you fit this …" The Doctor approached the end of the table.

"Yer TARDIS ain't the only thing biggeh on the inside. Percepteh, what the slag was this doin' in the lab?"

"I, I have no idea what this is!"

"Oh, yeah, right, you have absolutely no idea what this is? Fer Cybehtron's sake! You already had sex!"

"Excuse me, did you say sex?"

"Yeh! Big surprise, giant robots havin' fun time procreatin'."

"But … how … what?"

"Pardon? You do not mean to say that this is …"

"Percepteh, KEEP YER TOYS IN YER ROOM!" Wheeljack shoved the pink device into the scientist's face.

"And you robots have the … parts?"

"Yeah, genius, of course we got the parts!"

"And a place to put those parts in?"

"… what kind of a docteh 're yeh?"

"Oh, there is a note!"

"What does it say?"

"Eh," Perceptor adjusted his optics and read the message, "If you ever miss us, if we are ever not there, we hope this will serve as a temporary substitute as poor as it. Have fun Percy!"

"Percepteh …"

"Oh, dear …"

Both were interrupted by a series of loud, fwooshing sounds. The two mechs looked at the table and saw the Police Box quickly fade out of existence.

"Pft, amateur. Travellin' through time and space, didn' even know how to make a matteh replicateh out of three egg beatehs and a fridge."

"Oh, dear …"

"So what're we gonna …"

"PERCEPTOR!" Sunstreaker and Sideswipe barged into the lab, almost breaking down the door, breathing heavily, "PERCEPTOR! PERCEP… tor …"

"What up, dumbasses?"

"Oh, dear …"

"So," Wheeljack grabbed Perceptor by the arm in which he held the gift, raised it into the air, squinted and angrily yelled, "Da frag we gonna do 'bout this?"

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><p>"Optimus?"<p>

"Yes?"

"Next time, let's make sure Wheeljack is not there during the inspection."

"All of them."

"Yes, Prime."

"And Prowl?"

"Yes?"

"Was any of it recorded?"

"All of it."

"Send it to the Decepticons …"

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><p>P.S. Yes, those four on the horse were John, Ronon, McKay and Teyla from Stargate … and the guy who was screaming "beam me up, Scotty" was Kirk from Startrek along with the illogical thing was Spock … don't give me shit for this, I love Stargate and I am kinda apathetic to Startrek, besides, nobody died! Not even a single red coat, unless you want to think that, it is up to you! So, chillax! Will ya?<p>

P.P.S. This fic and another one will be more than likely the only two ones that are crossovers unless I manage to find any more scary pairings, example being – Wheeljack and The Doctor, another being – Swindle and Bender (yes, that will hopefully be written at some point) any suggestions are welcome

P.P.P.S. I am not happy with the ending ….

P.P.P.P.S. I know the Doctor would love weird stuff … but we all know he would run from this … he would run the fastest he ever ran …

P.P.P.P.P.S. Guess what the Decepticons' reactions was to all of this! Do I really have to say it?

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><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**Well, there you go! The first Scary Teams chapter! Hope you liked it!**

**I had two Doctor Who fans read it and they thought it was quite hilarious! What a friend of mine liked is that I threw in Stargate: Atlantis and Startrek: The Original Series, couldn't stop laughing for quite a while.**

**Before I let you go, yes, I, myself, am a rather big Doctor Who fan, saw every episode twice (at least) and yes, this is my vision o as to how their first time encounter would happen. Yes, The Doctor is old, genius and a madman but Wheeljack lived for millions years more which would mean he had a load more experience, plus he is a genius himself and more importantly - Wheeljack is bat-shit insane, you do not mess with that kind of crazy, not even if you have a death wish.**

**Plus, did you know that Doctor Who and Transformers are both Marvel? Yes! They even have a few crossovers in the comics!**

**I do not remember why I did not like the ending ...**

**It was kinda hilarious to write this fic, I did not expect myself to come up with something like this, I am slightly scared to find out what I will whoop up with the next stories ...**

**The next team or pairing will be, I am hoping, Swindle and Bender. If any of you have any suggestions, you can always PM me or leave a review, I will take it into consideration and get back to you if I approve of it. **

** If anybody guesses whom I paired up with Prowl - a free commission (please be reasonable) - you have time until the day I post it.**

**Unless I find any more pairings *doesn't have to be just two people, could be groups* after Prowl and XXXXXXX XXXXXX, I will more than likely call this project to a close but for a year or so I will leave it as incomplete just to be sure.**

**I do not own Transformers, Doctor Who or Energon'O's.**

**A big thanks to Crescent-Moon-Demon for editing and reviewing.**


	2. Chapter 2

_**We Are Not From Around Here**_

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><p><strong>Author's Foreword:<strong>

**Let the corssovers ... CONTINUE!**

**I was so weirded out when during one of our role-plays with C.M.D. I have stumbled upon an idea for another crossover and soon enough ... we got like two freaking more ideas! Guess these things will be alive for longer! Wonderful things happen on msn between friends~**

**Let's see ...**

**Well, this is a rather long one, I am sorry but I don't think it would be a good idea to break it up since this is the area where I will be dumping all of my crossovers.**

**This one, I think, is a good one despite how long it is, I got some surprises for fans of certain other robots!**

**With this one I got a little carried away, I honestly did not expect to make it THIS long ... **

**-the team of commandos that Wheeljack was made part of consists of Onslaught (the leader), Razorclaw (second-in-command), Motormaster (the veteran), Hot Shot (the new guy), Vortex (the freaky guy, the sparkling molester, Onslaught's son), Brawl (the kid-ish, happy-go-lucky guy with little care for any sort of danger, Onslaught's son), Blitzwing (the average-joe nut-case) and Blast-off (the why-am-I-here, this-is-stupid-I-am-going-home guy, Onslaught's son)**

**-I am trying something new in this fic so bare with me**

**-the events happen in the kitty-con universe, Soundwave and Tracks are a couple with kids (based on Crescent-Moon-Demon's fanfics, her link is in my profile)**

**-this is the fic that C.M.D. refers to in chapter 2 of "Ears and Tails"**

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><p>"Mommy! We are home!"<p>

"Great," Tracks called from the kitchen, hurrying to put the tray of sweets in the oven and to come greet his sons, "the sweets will be ready in about thirty kliks!"

"I am telling you, mommy makes the best energon goodies on the planet!"

"Hey, boys," quickly putting the dirty dishes into the sink, the tricolor yelled into the living room, "you got friends to come over?"

"Well," Rumble answered, "friends yes but they are more … uh …"

"Lost." Frenzy helped out. "We are just going to use the computer real quick to figure out how they can get home!"

"Oh, come on," Tracks giggled as he stretched his limbs from cycles of cooking and looked at the family picture hanging on one of the kitchen walls, "I even made petro-orange juice! I promise it won't taste like gasoline-beet this time! If you kids want to play, go ahead! It's summer! Oh, we have water-melons too!"

"Oh, sick!," a happy voice echoed.

"Thanks, mommy!"

"I told you he was the best!"

"Wait, he?" Another, kiddish voice joined into the conversation. "I thought mothers were supposed to be female?"

"Who cares, we gettin' water-melons, dude!"

"Well," the mother heard all four engage in conversation, "we don't really know how it works to be honest …"

"Ho, ho, ho." Tracks took out a mini-make-up kit from his subspace storage compartment, quickly fixed his make-up and slowly walked into the living room. "You know, boys, if you want I can... uh, um, hi?"

"Yo," a white and yellow robot with green optics and a mouthguard sitting on the couch with his feet on the table brushed two of his digits on the side of his helmet, greeting the adult, "what's up, bro?"

"H-h-hello," a little pink skinned … organism … wearing a pair of red boots and black underwear shyly sat at the edge of the couch and looked at Tracks with shock and awe but quickly it turned into excitement as the little … being … dashed to the Autobot, "Oh, wow, Rumble and Frenzy weren't lying! You really are bigger! That's amazing! I like your red face! It looks really pretty on you! Are you their mom?"

"Um, Rumble, Frenzy, what …"

"… we can explain …"

* * *

><p>"Yo, what dah fuck?" The robot dug himself out of a pile of rubble. "Where am I?"<p>

Looking around, Metabee only found an empty street with the occasional piece of random garbage getting knocked about by the wind in all four directions. He was getting increasingly pissed with every passing instant.

"Last time Imma trustin' that dumbass Ikki! It'll be fine, he said, just a few modifications, he said, well fuck dat shit! Imma my own medabot! I don' need no stupid human!"

"But humans are our friends!" A pink skinned boy ran up to him out of nowhere and helped move around some garbage bags. "Are you all right?"

"Ey, where am I?"

"I am not quite sure where I am either; I was wondering if you could tell me."

"Well, crap," he finally untangled himself, brushed off some of the waste and took a better look at the little boy, "so, what's a human like you doing here in this underwear?"

"Oh, I am not human," the tiny guy smiled, "I am a robot like you!"

"Uh, for real?" Metabee widened his optics and walked around him. "You look human 'n' everythin'."

"Oh, I know," the machine spun in place and flew up in the air, "look! I can fly!"

"Oooooh, that's neat!"

"I am Astro, what is your name?"

"Metabee, what's it to yah?"

"Um, well," a little put off by the robot's attitude, the robot boy was a tiny bit stumped, "well, maybe we can help each other find a way home?"

"Where yah from anyway? Yo' momma knows you here?"

"I am from Metro city."

"No place I've evah heard of."

"Aw, that's too bad, where are you from?"

"What is this, a questioning?" The metabot's optic twitched but seeing the confused robot's face, he stopped and, pouting, answered his inquiry. "Japan I think. I don't know, it is all so confusing, yah feelin' me?"

"Um," perplexed at the newly given information, Astro uncertainly continued, "yes?"

"Uh-huh. Well, in any case, where's the police?"

"Oh, good thinking! They can help us!"

"This way," the robot ran out from the dark dirty alley onto the empty street of the city, "huh, must be too early in the mornin'."

"Yeah," the boy nodded, "the lamp posts are still working."

"Lazy ass humans," Metabee's vein began to violently vibrate, "they do this to us and nobody here to take responsibility! That is messed up! Gonna beat their stupid butts 'n' shoot 'em in the ass 'till it stops bein' funny …"

"We don't know who did this …"

"Well who else? You don't see any aliens runnin' around, do you?"

"I met aliens before …"

"So did I but seriously, why the hell would they do this crap to me? You, I don't know but freaking hell that's just wrong! The hell did I ever do to anyone? Jeez!"

"Um, I can't imagine what," slightly freaked out by the violent nature of his new friend, Astro kept an optic on the bot, "maybe this is some sort of a misunderstanding?"

"Yeah, last time a misunderstanding happened, I shoved the moron down a garbage disposal and threw in a stick of dynamite."

"Oh, my," the kid gasped in shock, "why would you ever do that to a human?"

"Hell, if he was a robot I wouldn't do anything different."

"What did he do that made you react like this?"

"The motherfuckah touched mah bling!"

"Your, um, what?"

"My bling!"

"What's bling?"

"Dude, seriously? Dah hell do they teach you in school?"

"We looked at how people lived in the past."

"Uuuh-huh, right, so, you seein' anybody?"

"No, wait, look!," Astro grabbed the medabot by the shoulder, "there, on the playground!"

"Let's go check it out!"

* * *

><p>"… uh …" Wheeljack took off whatever was left of his blast suit, "… whoops …"<p>

* * *

><p>"… are you still thinking about it?"<p>

"… now I am …"

Their parents interfacing hadn't really been that much of a big deal until recently, as Tracks kept finding new, very disturbing to Rumble and Frenzy ways to recapture their father's attention away from Flipsides, their little sister that turned out to be the living embodiment of Unicron … A much, much prettier version … and a fembot … and with unbounded deviousness …

Today was one of those days when Tracks just didn't want to waste Soundwave's morning metal.

"Come on, mech!" Rumble kicked a stone into the sandbox and then the wooden guard. "How are we supposed to forget about it if you just keep on bringing it up? Seriously!"

"I am sorry!" Frenzy covered his head, expecting to be smacked again. "The images! The images are burned into my processor! Even if I do erase them they are still burned into my optics!"

It was not a pretty sight, Primus, no. The two didn't quite expect to be scarred for life when they wanted to ask Tracks for some money to buy orange juice and garlic bread. It was horrifying to find out that bodies could bend in those ways... They'd never get rid of the sensation of some of their parents' body fluids splattering over their faces and breakfast cereal.

... Smokescreen sure got a lot of money for all the therapy...

"Well," the purple hybrid heavily sighed with a few tears in his optics, "at least we can be in the same room together …"

"Yeah," the black mech took out a bottle and took a big gulp, "ah, the alcohol helps."

"We still owe uncle Kup and uncle Grimlock some money for the last batch."

"Hey, look! Do you see that?" Frenzy stood up, gaze fixated on something moving down the street.

"Yeah, what is that? Who are they?" Getting more and more drawn in by the two shapes quickly moving down the road towards them. "Are those Jetfire and Jetstorm?"

"No, different height …"

"Those new kids from around the corner? What were their names, Guzzle and Swiftstroke?"

"No …"

"They are getting closer."

"Should we run?"

"That would probably be a very wise thing to do."

"Yo, you two!," one of the shapes called out to them, "where's the police?"

"… uh …"

"Hide the alcohol!"

"Excuse me, we are lost, would you mind helping us?," the second shadowed form pleaded, "We would appreciate any assistance you can provide!"

"What he said!"

The twins tried making out who they were. At the current distance they were just splotches of darkness but with some light from the posts they could make out general colors.

"Who the frag is the peachy pink one?"

"Looks very unnatural."

"Yo, think I asked you two a question!" Finally getting close enough to the hybrids, the white and yellow robot grunted. "Freaking kids. Wait, you are not human …"

"Uh," Rumble squinted, "what's a human?"

"See this dude?" Metabee pointed to Astro.

"Yeah."

"They look like that just dumber."

"Uh-huh."

"Hey!," the boy furrowed his optic brows, "that was mean!"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever, so, uh," the medabot tilted his head, "who the hell are you guys?"

"I am Rumble."

"And I am Frenzy."

"I am Astro! This is Metabee!"

"'Sup, dudes …"

* * *

><p>"Wheeljack …"<p>

"I am sorry!"

"What are we going to do about this?"

"Um, fix up the lab?"

"And what about the anomaly? Our scanners indicated two unknown life signs!"

"Well, what the frag do you want me to do about it?"

"We are organizing a team and we need you to be part of it!"

"Can't I just go home … "

"No, not until we sort out this mess!"

"But I am sleepy! I want to go hug my Jetfire and Jetstorm!"

"You will once you tug those other two into our research lab!"

"Frag," Wheeljack stomped his foot, "I knew dividing by zero was a bad idea …"

* * *

><p>"So..." Tracks' processor hasn't worked this hard since Flipsides announced that she was going out with Shockblast. "You two are from a different universe?"<p>

"Yes!"

"Uh-huh."

"And," the tricolor scratched his head, "you have no idea how you got here?"

"No."

"Nu-huh."

"I only have one question."

"What is it?"

"What's up, big momma?"

"Tell me about fashion in your worlds!"

Rumble and Frenzy couldn't help but facepalm in sync.

* * *

><p>"Where did the anomaly happen?" the soldier activated a holomap right next to the steering wheel.<p>

"Somewhere in this part of the city." the engineer zoomed in on the coordinates.

"We must get to it as soon as possible!"

"Can we stop for oil …"

"No!"

"Hey, Onslaught."

"What?"

"I will get you a cube of oil"

"Paw-bucks or Second Cube?"

"There is a Tin Hortons right there …"

"I want sprinkles on my hot oil …"

"You got it."

"And not the multicolored ones."

"Which ones you want?"

"Marshmellows."

"I don't think that's a sprinkle."

"Milk chocolate sprinkles with marshmellows and extra foam with a tiny bit of cinnamon on it."

"What if I throw in some strawnillapops?"

"Let's do this!"

* * *

><p>"H-h-hey!" Astro laughed as Tracks helped the little boy clean himself. "That tickles!"<p>

"Dah frag we doin' this fo'?" Metabee desperately tried jumping out of the bathtub but with all the experience the mother had with Ravage, Flipsides, Rumble and Frenzy, it didn't take him much to shove the screaming, pissed off medabot back into the bubbly water. "Argh! I'll friggin' murder yah!"

"Calm down, sweetie," the tricolor giggled, very amused by the little robot.

"What you gonna do, fragger? You can't do shit! I'll …"

"Scream in pain, love?" The Autobot grabbed a bottle of shampoo and squirted quite a lot into Metabee's optics.

"AAAAAAHHH!" Shrieking from the burning sensation he tried running away but crashed into the wall, fell into the water and violently began splashing about. "MY EYES! MY EYES!"

"I-i-is he going to be okay?" The boy tried protecting himself from all the projectile water with his hands.

"Oh, he'll be fine, cutie, you still have a few smudges on your face …"

"I'LL FREAKING MURDER YOU! THIS IS ROBOT CRUELTY! I WILL SUE! I WILL SHOOT YOUR ASS IN THE FACE!"

"Uh …"

"Oh," Tracks chuckled, "isn't he just adooorable!"

"… sure, adorable, let's go with that …"

* * *

><p>"I am sorry about before," Tracks petted Metabee, who was still wiping his optics and crying a tiny bit, "my hand just slipped, love."<p>

"Well," the medabot sniffed and sobbed one more time, "you are just lucky that I didn't shoot yo ass 'till it stopped being illegal."

"D'aw, don't be like that! Here," the Autodog picked up a piece of a water-melon and gave it to the robot, "have a snack!"

"WATER-MELONS!" The bot jumped off the couch and attempted to dive into the bowl filled with bewildering watery chunks of the delicious fruit. Of course, it not being a swimming pool of any sort, once Metabee landed, he broke the container and splashed the red delicacy all over the living room, Tracks, Astro, Rumble and Frenzy.

"Kekekekeke!" The dicolor rolled on the table trying to rub more of the watery flesh against his body, shattering the glass top bit by bit as he flung his limbs around like one of Smokescreen's patients. "Kekekekekeke!"

"… oh …" Rumble widened his optics.

"… slag …" Frenzy completely ignored the red fluids richly dripping off his helmet and down onto the Persian carpet.

"Kekekekekekekeke!"

"You, you, you," Tracks' whole body started to tremble with more ferocity every passing second, "You …"

"… RUN …"

"… AWAY!"

"… you!" Tracks grabbed Metabee and began slamming, twisting, bending, crashing, throwing, banging the little water-melon addict all over the living room, "I SPENT THE WHOLE MORNING CLEANING AND COOKING AND …"

* * *

><p>"They didn't have marshmallows!"<p>

"Well, they had the sprinkles, Onslaught."

"But not the marshmallows!"

"Well …"

"Do you know what is the most important part of hot oil, Wheeljack?"

"Marshmallows?"

"The cup, duh, but that's beside the point! Marshmallows are important!"

"We could drop by the grocery store and buy some."

"And what, wait in the line for an hour?"

"Well what do you want me to do?"

"Can't you just make some random slag that makes marshmallows?"

"Um, I don't know what marshmallows are made out of to begin with!"

"You are a scientist, you will figure it out!"

"I don't know!"

"What, the great and powerful Wheeljack can't make a marshmallow machine out of, um, what do we have here …"

"A plastic bottle, some USB wire, a piece of paper, an old Croove Goverage disc, an old style audio tape, two flashlights, um, why do you have an eggbeater?"

"Oh, that must be Swindle's."

"You know Swindle?"

"Yeah, he is my son, followed me in the military academy with Brawl, Blast-off and Vortex. Great guys, Vortex had this rape fetish, he was so adorable when he tried to …"

"Too much information!"

"Either make the marshmallow machine or I swear I will tell you all of the interfacing Vortex did!"

"How bad does it get?"

"I, still, have, nightmares …"

"Let's see, do you have a lighter and a kilogram of uranium?"

"In the trunk."

"I should be done in about ten kliks …"

* * *

><p>"YOU LITTLE BRAT!"<p>

"AAAAAAAH!"

"Mommy, stop beating him with the meat tenderizer!"

"I will terminate you!"

"Can you at least take him off the stove?"

Astro was too scared to do anything. He saw some pretty messed up things but this just took the cake a dozen times over. Gradually, getting scarred for life, the little robot kept backing off into the corner until he suddenly realized that he was falling down the stairs.

"It took me whole two kliks to clean this place!"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHH! MAKE DIS CRAZY BITCH STOP!"

* * *

><p>"Mmmm," Flipsides moaned, coming out of recharge and gently brushed her servo over Shockblast's antennas, "here is my perfect mech."<p>

"Please don't tell me we have to get uuuup!" The kittycon hugged the hybrid and, with a giggle, looked at her with his lone red optic. "Pweeeez? I will do anything!"

"D'aw," she squeezed his cheeks and leaned in for a kiss, "how can I say no to this face?"

Instead of saying anything, he snuggled and purred like a cute little gasoline-kitten, rubbing his head against her chest which tickled the little fembot.

"Mmm, feels like you are very happy to see me!"

"Mrow!" The cyclops lecherously meowed and slowly slid deeper under the covers, brushing his servos on her soft and tender metallic skin.

"Oh, naughty kitty," the puce transformer grinned, bending her knees and softly caressing his antennas just the way her mech liked it, "I am feeling generous today, no punishment for you."

"Mrow!" Shockblast and Flipsides locked their hands for more balance and intimacy as he slid inside of her. He was hitting all the right spots, knowing what his mistress wanted; proof of that were her increasingly loud moans of pleasure as her back arched and her legs lovingly squeezed him, as if wishing to draw the mech further inside of her.

"Oh, ooooh, Primus." A little drool made its way down her face as he continued to pound here, gripping his servos harder, her optics rolling back in her head. An overload was quickly coming; it took all her willpower not to scream in bliss and just when she was about to give in to the temptation, Shockblast leaned over and gave her a passionate kiss as he rubbed the tip of his spike against the walls of her honey pot. Having recovered from waves of maddening pleasure, she kicked her love-toy on the other side of the bed and climbed on top of him, her face so close that the kittycon could feel her lip components brush on his as she lustfully spoke, "Looks like someone needs to be given a treat! Dear Primus, how I spoil you!"

"Aaaah," he groaned once Flipsides started to slowly direct his huge and thick pressurized spike towards heaven itself.

"**WATER-MELONS!**" The sudden voice cut through their fun like a heated knife through butter.

"Um …"

"What …"

"**… RUN …**"

"**… AWAY …**"

"What the frag is your family doing up there?"

"I, don't, know," She slowly mumbled, "I don't think they found out that you are here yet …"

"**I SPENT THE WHOLE MORNING CLEANING AND COOKING …**"

"I think Tracks found the pop-tart we shared and the bottle of chocolate syrup …"

"We, um, ate, that, remember?" Putting an emphasis on the word 'ate', Flipsides rolled over to the side.

"**YOU LITTLE BRAT!**"

"**AAAAAAAH!**"

"Oh, right," suddenly realizing that he was denied the greatest happiness on Cybertron, Shockblast pouted, "well, fine, I guess next time."

"Next time?"

"Well …"

"**Mommy, stop beating him with the meat tenderizer!**"

"**I will terminate you!**"

"**Can you at least take him off the stove?**"

"Oh, that," she laughed, reached into one of the boxes and took out a whip with some leather gear, "we are just getting started!"

"**AAAAAAAAAHHHH! MAKE DIS CRAZY BITCH STOP!**"

"I like where this is going!" Shockblast jumped off the bed. "Hold on, I brought a little something just for this occasion! Let me go get it; I left it in my bag by the stairs …"

* * *

><p>"Let me get this straight," Onslaught stopped the armored vehicle, "you mean to tell me that you made a peanut butter dispenser loaded with peanut butter instead of a marshmallow dispenser loaded with marshmallows?"<p>

"I told you I needed pillows!"

"Oh, he needed pillows!" The elite opened up the little window behind the driver's seat and asked his team, "You hear that guys? This guy needs pillows to make marshmallows!"

"Hahaha," Brawl clapped his hands and wiggled his feet in the air, "that's funny!"

"Razorclaw, I will promote you to commander if you bitch-slap Dumb-aft across the face for me."

"Oh, oh!" Vortex energetically jumped up and down in his seat, "can I …"

"No," Blast-off cut his teammate off.

"… but …"

"NO!," everyone yelled in sync.

"Marshmallows made out of pillows," the dense kittycon kept on giggling like an idiot, "I had a dream once where I ate a marshmallow! When I woke up my pillow was gone!"

"Zat's ze joke zose jettvins told you ze ozer day!" Blitzwing facepalmed.

"Shut up," Brawl stomped his foot and pouted, "I still think it's funny!"

"If I hear the word pillow one more Unicron-fragged time," the commander screamed, "I swear on Primus' valve I will post you as a mallguard!"

"Um," Wheeljack tilted his head at Onslaught, "am I on a 'Hidden Camera Show'?"

"Wait, what? No!"

"Well," the lynx scratched his head, "that would be a nice change of pace."

"Yeah," Hot Shot tapped his kneepads, "all of Cybertron would see how awesome I am!"

"All right," Onslaught glared in the back, making everyone shut up, "who the frag let Hot Shot in on this mission?"

"You call that a mission?" The pyromaniac could barely contain his laughter. "If this is a mission than I …"

"… will shut the frag up before I rip off your gasmask and command Brawl to fart."

"I will be quiet."

"Good choice," Motormaster whispered to the young mech, "you don't want to know what he did to the last guy that truly annoyed the slag out of him."

"Wh-what h-happened?," the youngbot pushed himself to ask the question.

"They say that he punched Starscream so hard that he split into a few different people."

"Really?"

"Ahah, no, juuust kidding."

"Phew …"

"He just punched Botanica out of existence."

"Wh-who is Botanica?"

"Exactly."

* * *

><p>"Oooooooooh," Shockblast groaned, once his voice finally returned to him.<p>

"I am so sorry!"

"No!" the Decepticon growled, "I just ate all of your ice-cream, I am sorry! Ow! I just hit you on the face with a hammer, I am sorry! Ooooooh! I accidentally shot you in the leg with a shotgun at pointblank, I am sorry! Aaaah! I fell down the stairs and crashed into you with your boner …"

"What's a boner?"

"Oh, my Primus!" Flipsides widened her optics and turned to her boyfriend. "Can we keep him?"

"Over my drained-from-all-bodily-fluids chassis!"

Instead of saying anything, she, without taking her gaze off the kittycon, grinned.

"Oh, slag …"

* * *

><p>Tracks couldn't handle it anymore; it wasn't even noon and he already was crashing from stress! That little robot proved to be more of a challenge than he originally thought. Looking around the living room and kitchen he cleaned not even a cycle ago, the Autobot couldn't help but shed a few tears at the sheer amount of repairs they would need to pay for. Sighing, he slowly got up and brushed his servos clean of the partially destroyed wall and kitchen appliances fragments.<p>

"I should really cut the water," the corvette sighed again, feeling the puddle affecting his colorful new socks and pretty blue slippers with dog and cat ears, "What was Kup's telephone number again? One eight hundred I-Am-Drunk? Sounds about right …"

"HOT HOT HOT HOT!"

"Shut up, you!"

"Mommy! Can you at least take him out of the oven?"

"NO!"

"But it is getting hot here!"

* * *

><p>"Can we keep him now?"<p>

"No!"

"What … in the name of all that is holy … was that?"

* * *

><p>"This is the spot!" Wheeljack got out of the car and ran towards the little garbage dump in one of the darker valleys.<p>

"Um," Blast Off tilted his head a little, "why is it that anomalies and things getting teleported from the future or different universes always happen at some garbage site?"

"So," Onslaught walked up to the pile of waste and closely inspected it, "what are we looking for?"

"Anything that is not from our universe."

"Oh, I am sorry," the commander stood up and got really close to the engineer, "do you have a full list of things that can be found in this universe?"

"Um, yeah," Wheeljack took out a textbook he bought for Jetfire and Jetstorm, "we had that for a good year now …"

"Wait, what, really?" The kittycon couldn't help but widen his optics. "Wait, seriously?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Oh, well, I did not know that. Now I just feel silly. Mech, I am getting old; all those kids with their portable devices and slag. Back when I was a kid we had to do things the hard way! If you wanted anything portable you imagined it and pretended like it actually existed!"

"Haha," Brawl squinted and giggled, "boss is feeling silly!"

"So," completely ignoring his soldier, the Elite continued, "so what do we do if we find one of those life forms or whatever you call them?"

"Well …"

"W-w-w…" Suddenly something began rustling among the waste.

"What was that?" Everyone turned their attention to a tiny box with two arms, two tracks on the sides and head shyly hiding inside its body that rolled into sight.

"Wall-e?"

"GET HIM!"

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

* * *

><p>"Can we keep him now, please? Pretty please?"<p>

"N-n-no!"

"Images … burned … forever … nightmares … "

* * *

><p>"<strong>Are you going to behave?<strong>" The tricolor grabbed the little robot by the leg and suspended him in the air.

"**Screw off, psycho!**" Metabee flung his arms around, trying to shake off the corvette's grip.

"Should we step in?," Rumble whispered in fear of drawing attention to themselves.

"Are you kidding me? Report cards are in next week! We should get him out of here and help mommy clean up this mess! Hopefully mommy won't punish us …"

"**ARE YOU GOING TO BEHAVE?**"

"**ARE YOU GOING TO STOP ACTING LIKE A FUCKING WHORE?**"

"I got it!"

"You found dad's porn stash?"

"That's beside the point …"

"**Do you want me to put you back in the oven?**"

"**You want a taste of my Seeker Missile up your ass?**"

"What if we make mom even angrier at Metabee?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, think about it …"

"**I will crush your spike with a tenderizer!**"

"**Want me to make a knuckle sandwich for your face? It'll make you prettier!**"

"If we overload mommy's part of the brain that is responsible for violent behavior, he won't be able to do anything to us for a few good weeks …"

"… because he will be recovering from it!"

"Exactly! What do you think?"

"**I will grind you into paste and feed you to Grimlock!**"

"**I'll rip off your spike and shove it down your throat!**"

"Come on!"

"Well …"

"**I will peel you like a potato!**"

"**I'll beat you with a small child!**"

"Frenzy …"

"All right, let's do this …"

"Oh, mommy!"

"Sorry, darlings, mommy is currently busy with a failed abortion."

"**Your face is an abortion!**"

"Metabee said that you are a horrible parent and that you shouldn't be allowed to leave the loony bin!" The purple twin made as much of an innocent face as he possible as he blurted out the words.

"WHAT?" Tracks had to shake his head to process the false accusation.

"SAY WHAT?" The medabot twisted himself in the air and tried grabbing either of the twins, but it was all for nothing since they conveniently placed themselves at a relatively safe distance.

"A-a-nd, an-an-and-d, and," Frenzy waved his hands in the air and taking short intakes as if he wastrying to hold the tears back, "he taught us so many bad words! What's a …"

"Um," Metabee looked at Tracks with wide optics and with a timid shrug, he nervously giggled, "it was an accident?"

"He taught us other words too!"

Squinting at the yellow and white robot, Tracks stood there for a few astrosecond and then slowly turned around and walked to the garage.

"Uh, did he actually use that?," Rumble asked as he began cleaning up the debris.

"Well," Frenzy shrugged and got to tidying up too, "apparently he did …"

* * *

><p>Vortex slowly prowled around the cage, barely able to contain amused laughs as the little robot trembled in fear, gradually getting closer and closer to the container with the rest of the team closely watching the spectacle.<p>

"Do you really have nothing better to do than this?" Onslaught glared at his soldiers, trying to tune the radio onto headquarters' frequency.

"He is so cute!" Brawl stomped towards the container. "Can I hug him?"

"No, you moron!" The lynx kicked the other kittycon, "I was so close!"

"To what?," Razorclaw yawned, "Boring the slag out of everyone with that crappy circling technique?"

"Hey, frag-face!," the grey mech took off his helmet, faced the lion and squinted, "want to me shove a scratching post up your aft?"

"Hah," Brawl laughed, "that will certainly scratch an itch! Hahaha!"

"Vortex," the commander growled, "shut up! Hello, base?"

"Pft," he pouted, "slagging aft licker."

"Base, did you hear that? What's the punishment for 'aft licker', offlining?" Onslaught grinned at his soldier and then suddenly his faceplates arranged in pleasant surprise which made his son's optic twitch. "Ten day house arrest? That's even better!"

"What?" Vortex froze in place.

"Cutting his pay in half for five months?"

"WHAT?" The kittycon took a few steps back.

"Confiscation of his gear and suspension of his weapons license until he's passed sensitivity training?"

"No, no," he finally hit the wall and pushed as hard as he could with his feet back into the brick, "no, please, no …"

"And a hundred hours of community service?"

Vortex dropped to his knees and his powerful vice echoed onto the streets of Iacon as tears richly dripped down his cheeks:

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Perfect!"

All of a sudden, the radio clicked:

"**Alpha Niner, this is Base; sorry for the delay. Sound Wave Systems just finished updating our gear. What is your status?**"

"Oh, finally, jeez!," Onslaught said with a hint of irritation, "I thought you guys were mad at me for something!"

"… you …" the lynx, shivering, got up and limping, slowly walked towards the officer.

"**Negative, Alpha Niner, we still remember those Strawnillapops you gave us! We got a little something for you too when you get back!**"

"D'aw," the commander cooed, "you didn't have to …"

"… you … you!"

"**Any case, what is your status?**"

"We captured one of the bogies; requesting instructions."

"… you … I …"

"**Is Wheeljack with you?**"

"Yes, I am here." The scientist walked forwards. Cautiously looking at Vortex, he asked the green mech, "Um, shouldn't you …"

"In an astrosec."

"**Wheeljack, did you bring the isolation container?**"

"Yes, do I store the organism in there?"

"**Unnecessary unless risk of infection.**"

"No, I checked for pathogens, nothing."

"… you! YOU!" The crazy kittycon leapt.

"Pardon me." The world suddenly entered into slow-motion as the serval twisted in place and round-house kicked his son in the face, sending him across the alleyway. "If you little piece of shit do this crap again I will make a virgin meringue out of your balls and give to Grimlock!"

"**Vortex again?**"

"I don't know what I am going to do with that boy! Is he really screwed up or am I doing something wrong as a parent? I don't know! I don't think I am doing anything wrong; what do you think, Wheeljack?"

"Well, um, I am not quite a parent myself …"

"Oh, right, your situation with Perceptor. Hm, fair enough. All right, here is the plan," Onslaught clapped his hands, "you guys clean up this mess, I will finish reporting to base and deal with Mechwhore. Wheeljack, deal with that, um, whatever the hell it is. I don't care what you do as long as it stays out of the way. Break!"

"C-c-c-can I help Wheeljack?" Brawl tried to contain his excitement as he alternated hopping on each leg instead of actual jumping.

"Uh, sure …"

"Wow," Razorclaw stood there for a few good astroseconds, "and I thought I had a fragged up family …"

"Ditto." Motormaster and Blitzwing shook their helmets.

"You guys don't know the half of it …" Blast Off heavily sighed.

* * *

><p>"Hey, little guy," the engineer gently opened the container and leaned over the box, looking at the trembling little robot, "no, don't worry, I am not going to scrap you or anything …"<p>

"Can I hug him? Can I, can I, can I, can I?"

"Not yet." The bulldog took out a bag of energon goodies and gave one to the brown bot in hopes of calming him down. "Here, have a treat! This was made by Jetfire and Jetstorm! Don't be shy! Go ahead- it is really tasty!"

"C-c-c-ca-ca-can I have one?" Brawl stared at the sweets as if they were the most magical thing he had ever seen as he drooled a little bit.

"Only one! Here."

"Mmmm!"

Seeing how the scary big kittycon ate the pink delicacy and really enjoyed it, the waste lifter timidly poked his share and quickly hid inside his body. With nothing randomly lashing out or exploding at him, he became a tiny bit more courageous and picked up the pastry.

"There you go! Hm, what if he doesn't like that? Let's see what else I got …"

"He, he, he, he is sooooo cuuuute!," Brawl whispered, enchanted by the sight as he watched Wall-E, slightly jittering from excitement.

"… a bag of pop-coils …" The autodog dumped all of edible things in the cage with their new friend.

While the automaton closely inspected the energon, Wheeljack just kept on piling even more things up:

"… chocolate energon cake from university, huh, so that's where it was ... copper gum balls … oh! Chrome candy! Iron lifesavers … zinc ice-cream …"

The tiny guy couldn't understand how to consume the gifts he was given but sensing gradual release of energy from it, he opened up one of his auxiliary batteries and tried feeding it there:

"WAAAAAA!" His power-meter spiking to full charge, systems instantly went into overload and his processer went haywire with instant ecstasy as millions of pretty colors and happy rhythmic sounds rushed through his network. The storm of bliss quieted down and came a calm summer eve. "Aaaahhh."

"Uh," the white mech cautiously prodded the robot with his digit, "are you all right?"

The little machine hugged the servo, rubbed his optics on it and purred.

"Oh, oooooh," Brawl was rapidly going into a squeal, "he is so precious! C-ca-can I pet him?"

"Sure, gently though!"

Anyone could see, even with his mouth-guard and visor on, that the brown kittycon had the expression of awe on his faceplates as his hand approached the alien and he carefully patted his head, making him moan from pleasure.

"C-c-c-can I have him?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pwetty pweez?"

"Do you want me to call your father?"

"No, please don't!"

"All right, fun time's over." Wheeljack brought the small organism to his face. "I won't be putting you in a cage, instead I am putting you in my storage compartment, alright? Just be careful and stay away from the experimental stuff, but feel free to play some Major Theft Autodog."

"C-c-can I play too?"

"… no …" the engineer was about to say something else but was interrupted by one of his sensors ticking off, "Onslaught! I picked up another trail! Two trails!"

"Where do they lead?"

"Follow me!"

* * *

><p>"Can we keep him now?"<p>

"Oh, Primus, man you can frag!"

"What can I say," the fembot giggled and evilly grinned, "I am a bad girl! I am ready to sell my body to get what I want!"

"Oh, Primus!"

"Haha, relax, you are the only customer allowed!"

"Oh, Primus!"

"Soooo," the hybrid made googly optics and the cutest face she possibly could, "can we keep him, please?"

"Uh …" Both of them looked at the alien.

"… big … things … entering … over and over again …" Astro was hugging his knees and rocking back and forth in the darkest corner of the basement with some of the fluids from the couple's interface dripping down his body. "Fluids, everywhere, everywhere! Everywhere!"

"Sure, if we can get him out of this …"

"Why would we get him out of this?" Flipsides malevolently smirked.

"What do you have in mind?"

"Well, for starters." The puce-coloured femme slowly walked across the room, swaying her hips as webs of Shockblast's transfluids dripped from her valve, resting on her knees in front of Astro. Leaning in, she began licking the white sticky Kittycon-milk off the robotic boy, sending shivers all over his body with each passing astrosecond and making him widen his optics even more. "Let's clean him up!"

"… fluids … fluids … everywhere …"

"Congratulations, cutie," Flipsides spread her legs out, propping her aft higher into the air, inviting Shockblast in for another round, "if you think you lost your sanity, wait until we finish warming up!"

* * *

><p>"… a playground …" Onslaught pouted at the sight of sparklings of all ages running around and having fun without any adult supervision, bordering on abuse.<p>

"This is what the sensors are telling me!" The engineer waved his arms.

"Oh, guys, look!," one of the kids pointed in their direction, "it's the army!"

"Oh, Primus. Vortex, handle the kids …"

"I am not talking to you …" the lynx adjusted the icepack on his faceplates.

"Can I handle them?" Hot Shot took out a few of his guns, ready to get the show on the road.

"Are you fragged in the processor? Put those guns away, fragtard!" The officer smacked the back of the youngbot's head, "Vortex, I will give you access to my personal liquor compartment …"

"Done," the psycho grinned and readied his toys, "and done! Hey, kids, who wants to be mentally fragged up for the rest of their lives?"

"Watch the professional at work." Razorclaw tapped Hot Shot's shoulder.

* * *

><p>"Wh-what are you going to do with that hammer? Why are you pressurizing the nail gun? Why are you plugging in the chainsaw? Why do you have a grinder?" Metabee looked at Tracks with horror as the autodog kept on taking out tools of all sorts from various locations around the garage, after having first tied the medabot to one of the work stations; a completely blank expression on his faceplates which freaked the ever-living frag out of the little robot. "Yo, sicko, what are you gonna do to me?"<p>

Staying quiet just like the past couple of kliks, the corvette continued to put together a pile of instruments to conduct the most monstrous of sins and tortures on the frightened alien.

"Hey," Metabee's fear began quickly turning into anger, "Don' ignore me! I am talkin' to you!"

"Fine!" Seeing how no response followed again, he tried squirming out of his bonds. "Untie me or I will pommel your stupid bitch ass all the way to the scrap-heap! You feelin' me? Yo, I am talking to you! Ever heard of manners, moron? I can beat them into your skull right after I bash your face in!"

"That's it; I can't take anymore of this abuse! I tried being nice but this shit is just too much!," the robot readied his special attack, "Eat some Seeker Missile, ass-hat!"

* * *

><p>"What are you doing to the kids?"<p>

"Monster!"

"Get the kids way from here!"

"Oh, Primus, I am gonna be sick!"

Delicious chaos, as Onslaught would describe it, a time ripe with opportunity to cause even more chaos and get things under control … his control.

"Vortex, cease. Citizen, get out of here!"

"I will sue you!"

"How dare you do these things in a public place?"

"There are children around here!"

"This is none of your business," the serval made a few steps forward, "clear the area …"

"Just who do you think you people are?"

"Urgh," he scowled, "Motormaster, this is your area, go! Blitzwing, you are with me."

"Now, people, people, people," the giant put away his gun and slowly approached the crowd with crying babies, "do you like waffles?"

"Uh, what?"

"WHAT?"

"Waffles, do you like them?"

"Um, yeah …"

"Don't answer his questions! Call the police!"

"I have, right here," the soldier took out a whole bundle of paper out of one of the more voluminous pockets of his vest. The very action made everyone step back and some even cowered in fear, "over a hundred coupons for Uncle Hound's Pancake House."

"A-are you trying to buy us?"

"Buy you? With coupons? What are you, cheap?"

"Yes …"

"No, I am not trying to buy you with coupons. I am proposing you an alternative for family fun on this fine day, here! Have some coupons for free meals at the bakery on the corner! No poisons or memory-alternating drugs in those!"

* * *

><p>"Hehe, that showed them!" Vortex, happy with the job he did, carelessly walked towards the armored truck with the biggest smile on his faceplates at the catch.<p>

"M-mister Stranger?" A soft voice came out of his storage compartment. "Are the monsters gone?"

Oh, yes, how could he forget about he pinnacle of his act?

"Hey, hey," he opened it up to see a little kid with a red and white paintjob playfully looking at him, "don't worry! I will protect you, my dear little snowflake!"

"Thanks, Mister Stranger! Tell me when it is safe! I will thank you whichever way you want!"

"_Oh, that you will, Snowflake, that you will …_"

"We are going to wrap things up here and then I will take you to a safe place, all right?"

"Thank you!"

"What's your name, Snowflake?"

"Fireflight!"

* * *

><p>"Uh," Blitzwing poked Hot Shot in the face yet again receiving no reaction what so ever from the frozen mech, an expression of disgust and horror on his faceplates, "I zink ve might have broken him …"<p>

* * *

><p>BOOM.<p>

"What was that?" Razorclaw faced the direction from which the sound of the explosion came, optics searching for smoke and flying debris.

"I don't know," Wheeljack looked at his sensors, "but whatever it is, we are looking for it."

"All right," Onslaught gestured everyone to get into the armored truck, "let's get busy, people! Game faces on; look alive!"

"What's the plan?" Brawl jumped into the back compartment.

"If necessary," the commander grimly cocked his shotgun and slowly walked towards the driver's seat, "search and destroy."

* * *

><p>"… WHAT THE …"<p>

"… FRAG WAS …"

"… THAT?" Rumble and Frenzy finally got enough courage to dig themselves out of the rubble, cautiously looking around for any more signs of explosions or anything dangerous to begin with. They heard a scream coming from the basement but at the moment the two were preoccupied with something far more important.

"Daddy's porn!" The black twin jumped up, trying to put out the fire on some of the magazine issues as well as hectically trying to catch some of the damaged pages flying through the air.

"No, we were so close! It can't end like this!" The other rascal joined his brother moments later, jumping like a flea to save as much material as he could.

"**AAAAAAAAHHHH!**" A scream followed by gunshots echoed in the house.

"DUCK!"

* * *

><p>"Urgh," Tracks groaned and slowly got out of the pool, water dripping out of dozens of cracks in his plating and burned bits flaking off, "that's it, no more Mister Nice Goody-goody Two-Boots- This. Is. War! War I tell you! War!"<p>

Storming up the partially destroyed and dangerously creaking stairs, completely ignoring the damage, the tricolor picked the lock on Soundwave's desk with his bobby pin, grabbed a key from one of the hidden compartments, turned around to face the family painting drawn by the infamous Sunstreaker. Carefully removing the image off its nail, he revealed a hidden safe just behind the frame; here, Tracks inserted the key he had just collected.

"Oh, yeah." The corvette finally got through all the locks and took out a huge shot gun, holding it like it was the biggest spike he had ever handled. "Oh, aren't you just precious!"

Malevolently cocking the weapon with an insane smile on his lip components, he slowly walked downstairs into the annihilated garage, which by now was quickly overflowing with water from the leaking pipes.

"Come out, come out," Tracks cooed, lovingly stroking the firearm, "come out where ever you are! You have been a naughty boy so mommy will punish you by shooting SLUGSHOTS UP YOUR FRAGGING AFT, YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SCRAP!"

Completely abandoning any form sanity, he, without aim, gripped the automatic shot gun tighter, shaking harder with every passing astrosecond before going completely berserk.

"AAAAAAAAHHHH!"

* * *

><p>"Oh, oh, oh!" Flipsides couldn't believe that Shockblast was still able to perform even after yesterday's interface-fest and his injury, yet there he was, lovingly pounding her away with more strength each thrust -power derived from anger- as she continued licking his left-over transfluids off of the trembling Astro. Barely able to keep herself on her fours after all the excitement, the puce femme slowly slid down completely on the floor and began caressing the little robot's crotch. "I won... ah! Ah! …der what you haaaaaaaa… aaaaaaahh … ve in here!"<p>

Without any hesitation she attempted to remove his underwear but found it to be rather hard because she couldn't find a way to do so.

"Oh, coaaaaaaahme on!," the hybrid slightly pouted. She couldn't be mad since the greatest spike in the world was still drilling her like no tomorrow. "Dooooooohon't be shy! Aaaah!"

When she was about to resume her efforts with shaking servos, the whole house suddenly shook and a loud explosion nearly overloaded their audio circuitry. From the sheer surprise of the event Flipsides overloaded harder than she could ever remember, squeezing the kittycon tightly, milking him for every drop of his seed:

"OH, PRIMUS! YES! YEEEES! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

* * *

><p>"Ooooh, crap." Metabee rubbed his neck and looked at the hole in the ceiling, pain still skittering all over his body. "Note to self: don't shoot Seeker Missiles so close to myself next time …"<p>

Suddenly hearing footsteps, the medabot quickly jumped into the closest pile of clothes and dug himself in deep, making sure he was all covered and unseen except for his missile pods which just refused to stay hidden.

"**Oh, yeah, oh, aren't you just precious!**"

"The hell?" The dicolor wanted to sneak a peek but his experience screamed not to. "How does a mo'fo'ka get out of this crazy house? Seriously, why do they even let people like that on the loose? It's always the bitchy ones!"

He got up on his feet and quickly made it out of the house through the window, trying to make as little noise as possible.

"Stupid clothes!" He was getting more tangled in various articles he began losing his balance and wobbling side to side as he hopped on one leg. "Freaking shit! Why do they even wear them? They are made out of metal! What the hell? This is bullshit! Screw this!"

"**… slugshots up your fragging aft you little piece of scrap! AAAAAAAAHHHH!**"

"CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!"

* * *

><p>"SLOW DOWN!" Wheeljack tried pushing himself even further into the seat, his optics fixed horrifyingly on the road zipping past in front of them. "FOR THE LOVE OF CYBERRON SLOW THE FRAG DOWN!"<p>

"WEEEEEE!" Brawl was waving his hands the entire time, hoping they would drive over more bumps.

"Shut up!" Onslaught pressed on the gas pedal even further, making the car engine's roar even more.

"Do you at least have airbags?"

"No, my son sold them for rust chips!""

"WHAT? WHY?"

"He was hungry! He … wait …" The commander slammed on the brakes and squinted out the window, before grabbing his binoculars and staring off at something in the distance. "Are you seeing what I am seeing?"

"Uh, if you are asking me if I am seeing a half-destroyed house with two little boys showering themselves with porn, some pink rabbit dancing on the roof and a mech masturbating with a giant spike that strangely looks like a gun, then yes, I am seeing the exact same thing …"

* * *

><p>"We gotta work fast before the police arrive!" Motormaster pointed to some of the pedestrians taking out their cell phones.<p>

"Motormaster, Blast Off, I want you two to stall anyone who comes near for as long as possible! We need this situation under control!" Onslaught, being an experienced veteran, didn't hesitate in giving out orders. "Hot Shot, Brawl, restrain that pink, eh, dancing, um, bunny, uh, thing, whatever it is! Blitzwing, check the basement. Vortex, take care of those two younglings with porn. Razorclaw, silence that screaming bitch! Wheeljack, prepare all the equipment you need to contain the alien and wait for Brawl's signal. I will report the situation to headquarters and join up with you as soon as I get all the orders. Break!"

"Is that," the engineer squinted to see better, "is that Tracks?"

"You know him?"

"Oh, boy," he scratched his head, "we will have bigger problems to worry about than the police soon enough …"

* * *

><p>"All right people," the siamese put away his gun and waved his hands at the passerbys, "come on, move along, nothing to see here. Just a typical rich, mentally fragged up family finally going insane."<p>

"But we want to see what's happening despite us being late for work!"

"This way I will have an excuse not to come in today and to probably even end up on TV!"

"People these days," Blast Off face-palmed. He then took out a grenade, pulled the pin and casually threw it right in front of the crowd. "Five, four, three …"

"AAAAH!" The whole crowd quickly dispersed, everyone hurrying off as far as possible.

"Pfhehe, morons," the kittycon chuckled and picked up the toy.

"Hey," one of the mechs, confused that there was no explosion, turned around and saw that it was a fake, "that was a fake grenade!"

"Want me to shove a real one down your throat or up your aft?"

"You wouldn't dare!"

"Both it is!"

"Ha, you don't have the right toagruuhguuhgruhrrrrr …"

"**YAAAA YAAAA! SEEKER MISSILE!**"

* * *

><p>Motormaster wasn't quite sure what to do this time. On one hand the method his colleague was using looked fun but on the other hand the Stunticon's psychiatrist did say to resolve things peacefully despite how much he hated it.<p>

"If you people won't leave, I will perform a magic trick."

"What?," the crowd got interested, "what is it?"

"It is called 'make you disappear forever', works especially well at night when you sleep …"

"**YAAAA YAAAA! SEEKER MISSILE!**"

* * *

><p>"Guten tag!" Blitzwing descended into the poorly lit basement and saw two teenagers on the floor, heavily breathing with wide smiles on their faces that wiped clean off when the stranger walked in, "vhat have ve here? An interface-athon?"<p>

"Uh …" Shockblast quickly got up and stood in between Flipsides and the new-comer.

"Yes?" The pink hybrid shifted to see the mech better.

"Can I join?" With hope in his voice, the soldier lowered his gun.

"Uh …" The kittycon squinted but before he could say anything else he was interrupted.

"Of course!," the fembot joyfully jumped, "we can do so much more!"

"Uh-huh …" The cyclopes pouted and crossed his servos.

"Aw, Shocky," she squeezed his cheeks and gave him a loving peck on the lips, "you know you are the only one! Plus, how many times will we get a chance to interface with an elite from Megatron's personal army?"

"How do you know that?," the triplechanger's optics widened, "this is top-secret!"

"It is not top secret with those fraggy firewalls! Besides," she giggled and excitedly skipped towards the mech, lustfully sliding her hands all over the guy's frame "won't Blackarachnia get angry?"

"Ve are actually looking for people for groupsex …"

"Weepee!" Flipsides jumped onto him and wrapped her legs around his waist, "count us in!"

"Und zat zing over zere too?" Blitzwing pointed to Astro, sitting completely still and gaze locked into space with cheeks covered in either transfluids or tears- it was hard to tell.

"Let's bring him too!"

"**YAAAA YAAAA! SEEKER MISSILE!**"

* * *

><p>"Hello, boys!" Vortex kicked a stone towards Rumble and Frenzy to attract their undivided attention. "Are you of legal age? Pft, as if I care!"<p>

"Who the frag are you?" The twins stopped and looked at the soldier.

"They call me Vortex but you can call me Mister Stranger!"

"Does Mister Stranger want to receive a butt-kicking of a life time?"

"Do two younglings want to receive a penetration of a life time?"

"Wha'?," stumped by the question, the two looked at each other and then back at the helicopter, "dude, we are not legal!"

"That makes it better!" He clapped happily, eagerly walking towards the brothers, "come on! We don't have much time!"

"Screw …"

"… off!"

The twins both threw the pages they had collected into the air, running up to the mech and kicked him in the codpiece:

"AAAAAAAAH!" Vortex grabbed his crotch and fell down to the floor.

"Pervert!" Rumble gave him another kick on the shoulder.

"Moron!" Frenzy took a chair and smashed it on the soldier's frame, popping open the storage compartment. With a frightened shriek, a tiny autodog fell out of the space and landed head first into the bigger piles of pages, which ended up cushioning his fall a little.

"Owie!"

"What the …"

"Is the circus in town?"

"Owie owie owie!" Fireflight got up and tried to wipe off some of the pages that stuck to his frame. In a moment of curiosity, he grabbed one of them and took a closer look. Soon enough, his facial expression changed from childish wondering to no expression what so ever, followed by him crashing.

"Oh, slag …" Vortex finally got his voice back.

"Dude," Rumble and Frenzy gazed at the kittycon, "you got issues …"

"**YAAAA YAAAA! SEEKER MISSILE!**"

* * *

><p>Tracks' vocal circuits got too strained from the first couple of loud screams so now the adult was chaotically swinging the empty gun at nearest objects that came into view, loudly grunting, groaning and squeaking incomprehensible things.<p>

"Greetings," Razorclaw calmly said, taking a few steps into the partially destroyed garage, "I am here to dominate you."

"Grrraggrrrrhhh!" Still in a blind rage, the tricolor's reflexes reacted and he ran towards the soldier with the intention of inflicting a lot of pain.

"Then again," the Predakitty grabbed the parent by the arm, swung both of them to the wall and leaned against him, pinning the corvette in place, "I do have four kids to take care of at home, servos are full as it is so I will just settle for …"

Giving a voice command to his helmet, it removed the mouth-guard and moving in very quickly, he gave the hysterical 'bot a kiss.

"… a simple kiss from a beautiful mech."

Tracks gasped, swooned and fainted in exhaustion, dropping like a sack of rusted nails. Making sure to support the poor creator, the soldier carefully laid him down on the grass, a good dozen meters away from the house.

"Now, to check up on Vortex." Razorclaw turned around and saw what was going on the roof. He couldn't help but stop and wonder if his comrades were better off in an insane asylum. "I am working with idiots …"

"**YAAAA YAAAA! SEEKER MISSILE!**"

* * *

><p>Hot Shot and Brawl were relatively new to the elites in Megatron's little private army and were still cooling their heads, but sometimes it was extremely hard not to show-off or just screw around. It's not like they ever failed any of their assignments.<p>

"How you want to approach this?" The pyroengineer was still mesmerized by the dancing and struggling little thing on the roof.

"We hug it into submission!" The big, burly kittycon charged the house, jumped on the wall, digging his hands and feet into the brick and quickly climbed to the roof.

"Hm, that works." Shrugging his shoulders, the soldier followed his comrade and within moments joined him.

"Stupid friggin' crap!" Metabee was too preoccupied getting the baby clothes off to notice two mechs closely inspecting him. Finally tripping over his own foot, the medabot fell on his aft, expressively swearing his mouth off until his optics registered the newcomers. "Dah fuck y'all lookin' at?"

"It is a pink bunny that is not a pink bunny, colored in white and yellow that curses!" Brawl squinted and laughed with excitement as he jumped up and down, "I want one! I want one!"

"Uh …" Hot Shot was warned that there was someone on the team like his little sister but he never imagined it would be the gruff and tough looking Brawl. "… wha'?"

"What dah shit?" It took the little robot a few astroseconds to snap out of his stupor. "What? I ain' no bunny, ass-hat! The fuck you doin', snortin' cocaine?"

"No," Brawl tilted his body to the right and with the index finger scratched his chin, "I don't think so …"

"Uh, what?," his partner was trying to piece the information together, "what?"

"Meph?," Metabee, surprised by the outcome of the conversation, wasn't sure what to do, "you smokin' pot?"

"Are we actually having this discussion?," the youngbot yelled, throwing his servos out.

"Noooo," the Combatikitty crossed his servos over his chestplate and tapped his foot, trying to remember, "that's not it."

"PCP? Mushrooms?," Metabee sat up, getting increasingly interested, "opium? Heroin?"

"Seven years of high school for this?" Hot shot suddenly recalled a few things from the physical education classes. "LSD? Amphetamine?"

"Oh, oh!," the soldier trembled with joy and clapped his hands, "I know! It was Hoist who played the kittycon in those commercials! Haha, what an actor!"

"What?," completely thrown off, Metabee looked at Hot Shot, "what?"

"... I don't even know …"

"Hugs for everyone!" Brawl grabbed the other two, squeezing the ever-living slag out of both of them, twirling in place and singing a happy tune. "You guys are so cute and adooooraaable!"

Hot Shot, clenched in the death grip, was unable to even squeak but the medabot, getting used to being squished in the many ro-battles Ikki dragged him into, partially wiggled his way out and banged Brawl on the head. "I am not adorable you fucktard! I don't do adorable! I'll friggin' beat you with your own spine!"

All of a sudden, the kittycon stopped, dropped both bots and wobbled for a few seconds.

"Fragging Primus!" The pyrotechnician finally got air into his lungs and began violently coughing.

"Dude, what the fuck is your problem?" Metabee got up and wanted to keep on beating the soldier but when he got close to him, the kittycon leaned over him and, with his mouthguard falling off, barfed all over the medabot:

"I don't remember eating half of the things there," he whispered in confusion, "oh, there is my lost airplane from childhood! I was wondering where that went …"

Unable to control himself anymore, with clothes soaked with vomit unpleasantly sticking to his body, the robot went completely berserk, unleashing his full arsenal of attacks on the two elites, ending up throwing them off the roof with hundreds of holes in their armor plating and landing on their heads:

"YAAAA YAAAA!"

He wasn't done with them, not by a long shot.

"SEEKER MISSILE!"

* * *

><p>"Base, this is Alpha Niner, respond!"<p>

"**…ghaha, shush, haha, shush, hoho, shut up guys! Alpha Niner, this is, fhehe, base, what is your situation? Pfhehehe …**"

"What the slag are you guys doing there?" Onslaught got more irritated with every giggle he heard on the other end of the line. "Are you guys drinking on the job, without me?"

"**…khehahe, nooooooo …**"

"YOU AFTHOLES!" The commander slammed his fist into the steering wheel, "You better not be drinking the vintage wine I spent my entire life savings for…"

"**Noooo, we are not drinking that!**"

"**Not anymore! Hahaha!**"

"GRARG!" The truck ripped off the wheel with one swift move and threw it at the reinforced, bullet-proof windshield of the armor truck.

"Woooow," Wheeljack shrieked in fright as he pressed himself against the door, gaze locked on the wheel half-way sticking out of the windshield, "dude! Chill!"

"I HATE YOU FRAGGERS!" The soldier then threw the radio to the ground and began jumping on it, crushing it further with every landing. "FRAGGERS FRAGGERS FRAGGERS!"

"Holy fragging Primus on a pogo-stick!" The engineer fell out of the vehicle, trying to get to a relatively safe distance.

"I WILL FRAGGING KILL YOU BITCHES!" Under the kick of the angry mech, the door of the transport -that would normally withstand cannon fire- desperately creaked before it was ripped off its hinges, flying off into the general direction of the playground, "I'LL RIP OUT YOUR BRAINS ARGH GUTS AND FRAGGING SPIKES AND AAAARRGH!"

In his mindless rage, Onslaught grabbed a rocket launcher from the front seat, ran a few meters away and shot at the remains of the communication device, effectively making the car flip a few times, nearly crushing Wheeljack under it.

"UNHOLY UNICRON!," the engineer barely jumped out of its way, "WHAT THE FRAG IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"**YAAAA YAAAA! SEEKER MISSILE!**" Hot Shot landed face first on the kid slide, crashed and rolled through some of the metal piping and ended up on the swings. Brawl had an arguably luckier one, falling onto his dad.

"ARRRGH!" Onslaught quickly flipped his son onto the ground and was about to drive a knife through his throat but managed to stop just in the knick of time. "Oh, Brawly, what are you doing here? Why are you so … WHO HURT MY SON?"

If he was pissed off then, he definitely wasn't pleased now. One could almost see the searing aura of rage as sparks crackled through the air. Turning around to face the direction the smaller kittycon had flew from, he saw Metabee laughing at the two.

"FUCKBLITERATE HIM!," the commander shouted to the rest of his squad and charged the medabot.

"Viz pleasure!" Blitzwing ran out of the basement and joined Vortex, on the verge of tears, pushing Rumble and Frenzy as far out of the way as possible.

"Let's bring him down." Razorclaw, still calm, drew out his swords and ran to the new target.

"I don't think I have any more grenades," Blast-off scratched his head but still dashed to fulfill the objective, "I should bring more next time."

"Finally I get to see some action!" Motormaster didn't really think of it as such, it was a few highly trained, world-class professionals versus a tiny bot that shot missiles- not really a fair fight- but it was still something compared to what had taken place so far.

"Grrrgh," Metabee suddenly began glowing green as the atmosphere around him crackled with strange electrical discharge, "dude, I rock."

"GRAAAAAA!" The six charged him from different directions but it didn't save them from …

"MEEEEDAAAAFOOOOOOOOORRRCE!"

* * *

><p>Wheeljack, thanks to his inventions malfunctioning or plain out blowing up, had came across a lot of experiences such as getting his body parts blown off, scorched head to tip of his tail; a few times he ended up even technically dead for a few astroseconds! He remembered those moments quite well, with a mix of wonder and fear.<p>

This, however, was different.

A powerful, white burst of energy blinded the engineer and threw him into the strange milkyness of unconsciousness, with no up, no down, no North, no South, no forward, no back- just white as far as the optics could register.

"… aaaand I am back here again …," the inventor pouted but a few moments later sighed and leaned back as he floated in nothingness, "well, at least it wasn't my fault this time …"

"Hey, get off yer aft 'n' listen!" A voice suddenly snapped, interrupting the blissful processings of the technically offlined mech, "I don' have much time so yeh gotta listen, afthole!"

"Whoa," nearly scared to death, the autodog frantically looked around, trying to find the source of the voice, "there are others here?"

"Oh, fer the love of Cybehtron, finally! Took yeh long 'nough; the frag was the hold up? Havin' a coffee break? Maybe the recehption 's bad on my end. Eh, whateveh the case, listen!" The strange voice coughed and calmed down. "Yeh gotta get those morons back in their original univehses!"

"What?" Still confused, the bulldog began getting a little scared. "Who are you? Show yourself!"

"Urgh, friggin' amateurs …"

"**He is you, dumbaft!,**" someone else shouted, sounding a little muffled in their yell.

"Yeah, in alternate reality, smart-aft!"

"For the love of Cybertron what the frag is going on?"

"**Huh, he doesn't have that annoying accent …**"

"Can it er Huffeh won't be the only toy Grimlock has!"

"Wh-what?," completely and utterly confused, he just stood there, trying to understand the situation, "Grimlock? The Ten times champion of boxing in the world who is now retired and I think is homeless?"

"Wha'? Dah frag? No! Grimlock, our son!"

"Uh," Wheeljack tilted his head, "I am very sure you and I didn't have any offspring."

"Urgh, no, I mean this dolt."

"**Hey!**"

"Ow!," a metal clang echoed in the white void, "stop that, yeh dope! Want me teh get stuck in the'eh?"

"**At least I know where you are every night!**"

"DAH FRAG IZZAT SUPPOSED TEH MEAN?"

"Um, guys?" Wheeljack tilted his head and squinted. "There was something important you were supposed to tell me? Someone I should bring back to their original universes?"

"Oh, right, so, ahem hem. Yeh gotta shove 'em whe'eh eveh they came from!"

"Are you talking about those …"

"Yeah, yeah, the anomalous teleports, yeh piece ef scrap invention somehow destabilized the space-time vohtex so now it causin' some serious slag to go down!"

"How the frag did that happen? I was just making cereal … as I was tweaking the quantum jump engine; ok, I see what happened there …"

"Than get teh it yeh fraggeh! 'Cause o' yeh we now gotta deal with Red Aleht who grew to the size of a planet and is now being chased by Unicron! Yeh got any idea how fragged up this slag is?"

"… Wheeljack …," a sudden breach in the white made the confused inventor draw his attention elsewhere.

"Huh?"

"… un… Wheeljack … cle …" His surroundings quickly began getting darker with every passing moment as light from the growing crack poured onto his face, two more voices calling, desperate and full of plea, begging him to come back.

"J-jetfire? Jetst-storm?"

"Go towards the light, moron!"

"**Wait, what? No! Don't go towards the light!**"

"… Wheeeeeljaaaack!" The voices of the twins kept on getting louder, overshooting the other two.

"SHUT UP AND LET ME SAVE THE UNIVEHSE FREM ME!"

"**Wait, what?**" The engineer froze in place but found it impossible to stay that way because at that moment two servos reached out and dragged him towards the real world, "**What? You are …**"

"STOOOOP!" The scientist violently woke up, disoriented and the whole world spinning out of control.

"Uncle Wheeljack!" The hybrids jumped happily at their dearest friend, cuddling and snuggling with him, happy that this was yet another false alarm, with tears of joy now flowing down their cheeks. "Alive you be! Happen what to you?"

"I have no idea." Wheeljack was extremely confused by everything that just happened as the last thing he recalled was that voice in the milky void which was still echoing in the recesses of his processor. All of a sudden it hit him. "Wait, there are other versions of me? Wait, save the universe …"

"What talk about you?," the orange twin widened his optics.

"Save the universe? What from?," the blue twin scratched behind his ear.

"Oh, slag!" Jumping to his pedes, Wheeljack wanted to run towards the place he remembered to be Tracks' house but couldn't keep his balance and fell down to the ground. Moments later, lifting up his head, his optics registering his surroundings, he couldn't help but fall into yet another shock. "What. The. Frag?"

The house was barely standing on the few support bulks it still had; where there used to be a turned upside-down armored vehicle, now laid only half of the upside-down vehicle with gas richly pouring out of it's battered carcass. The little hill now had more holes than his grandmother's colander and unconscious people were laying all over the place in some of the weirdest poses.

"Heeee, heeee, kheeeee, kekeke." Metabee, trembling, stood up, his body smoking and cracks in his armor shedding tiny pieces of metal. "Suckas!"

"Uhooooooh, did I just get fragged?" Vortex tried getting up but fell down to the ground, blacking out again.

"Yeah!," the medabot kicked him in the torso, "right up yo ass, bitch! Kekekeke!"

"Jetfire, Jetstorm," Wheeljack put on his serious face, squinted, using the two younglings as support, got up and with a determined voice, continued, "Let's go save the universe!"

* * *

><p>"LET ME OUT OF HERE YOU PIECES OF …"<p>

"Shut up!" The engineer opened up his storage space and gave the robot another smack on the head. "I am trying to help you!"

"At least do something about this guy!" Metabee threw something at Astro, sitting completely still in the corner. "He is giving me the freaks!"

"Just, um, here," he gave his new unwilling guest an energon treat made by Jetfire and Jetstorm, along with some octane-cow milk, "will you be quiet now?"

"What do I do with this guy?" The medabot lift up his leg with Wall-e, purring on it.

"Let him do whatever! Freaking sheesh!"

"Um, Uncle Wheeljack …" The jettwins poked one of their caretakers.

"What?"

"People looking are."

"Get me out of here!"

"If you shut up, I will get you out of this universe and back to wherever the slag you came from, so we can all return to our normal lives!"

"Fine." Metabee crossed his arms and pouted, taking a bite out of the treat. "Mmm! It's good!"

"Good to know." The inventor closed off his sub-space storage compartment, grabbed Jetfire and Jetstorm by the arms and quickly made his way to the laboratory, ignoring the passerbys giving him weird looks as they eyed his partially destroyed combat suit.

* * *

><p>"Sound effect: tralala-lala, lolal-la-lol-laaa." Soundwave happily drove from his long trip to the supermarkets, trying to find some of the rare ingredients Tracks had needed to cook his grandparents' special, ultra-delicious meal that was rumored to turn evil mechs into individuals pure at heart with its divine taste. "Statement: what a beautiful day!"<p>

He didn't think it would take him over five cycles to find all that his bondmate needed but after tasting the dish previously during a visit to their village, he knew it would be worth it a million times over. Plus, it was his secret hope that Rumble and Frenzy would smarten up and get to studying and Flipsides would stop "having innocent fun" with her boyfriend, a sorry excuse for a failed abortion, called Shockblast.

"Rhetorical question: a father can dream, right?" The persian sighed and then smiled thinking about his situation. What could he complain about? His sons, as unwilling as they were to study, made rather nice progress in school this time around.

"Statement: Arcee must be a very good teacher! Flashback: I remember back when I had a hot teacher!"

Flipsides was his pride. Whatever happened from this point on, Soundwave will forever have the satisfaction that his daughter breezes through life solely based on her intelligence alone; all the extra-curricular activities are merely hobbies.

"Sound effect: sniff sniff. Statement: my flippy-dippy!"

And then there was Tracks!

"Statement: ah, my love eternal … Question: why are there so many police, ambulances and fire-trucks in front of my house …?"

It was really weird. Well, it wasn't the first time but on this one day, the father had a very nasty feeling about it all. Still perplexed but slowly getting out of his stupor, he began theorizing what the twins and … or Flipsides did this time.

"Sir," a policeman lightly tapped one of the car windows, "this is a restricted area, please find another route …"

"Confused statement: this is my house!" The kittycon leaned on the door now, his shock slowly mixing with anger.

"I will need to see some identification," the officer reached his hand out and shortly, with a grunt received a driver's license from the steaming persian. "Oh, Mister Soundwave, if you could step out of your car, we have some questions for you. Don't worry, it is nothing serious, just some routine inquiries about house and car insurances."

"Inquiry: what happened to my home?" Soundwave then noticed a group of people on a partially destroyed hill being treated by the medics and the half-destroyed armored transport. He didn't know what to feel at this point. "What happened? Is my family safe?"

"Oh, they are totally healthy, actually. Well, except for Shockblast."

"Inquiry," Soundwave blinked as mean happiness welled in his spark, "What happened to him?"

"He was knocked unconscious by, um, something or, someone."

"Inquiry: what happened to my house?"

"There she is … was …"

The multi-billionaire stood there, his processor unable to react to the sight of the devastated house. He remembered that one of his friends once said that problems are best approached with humor and so the kittycon attempted just that.

"Joke: the first time I let Tracks cook …"

* * *

><p>It didn't take them long to reach the science labs, the problem was getting to his own with the three aliens inside of him, unnoticed.<p>

"Yaaa yaaa, bitch," Metabee kept screaming at the little screen of the game station Jetfire lent him, "I beat yah, sucka!"

"I told you to be quiet!" Wheeljack gave his chest a good smack as he awkwardly smiled at one of his colleagues.

"But I am owning this loser! Seriously," the medabot angrily pointed at one of the names, "who the hell names their character Cosmotica The Tall? That guy is obviously compensating for his short height!"

"Speaking of the demon-mech," the engineer nervously smiled and closed the compartment, hoping the robot would stop ranting, "hey, Cosmos, what's up?"

"Oh, hey, friends!" the short scientist merrily skipped down the hall to the three, "Jetfire, Jetstorm! How great to see both of you here again! Wow, you guys grew! Hey, Wheeljack, what's with the outfit?"

"Oh, um, I was, uh …"

"Uncle Wheeljack us helping is make movie for school film festival!" Jetstorm jumped into the conversation.

"Zombies about!" Jetfire took out the camera Perceptor gave him for one of his birthdays.

"Oh, I see!"

"**Pfha, movies about zombies,**" a muffled voice came out of Wheeljack's chest, "**that is soooo lame! Done and overdone! Cliiiche if you ask me!**"

"And that would be?" Cosmos really wanted to make a step back but his politeness didn't allow him to be that rude. Instead he leaned a little away, expecting something to blow up.

"Movie critics radio!" The inventor grabbed the hybrids by their arms and dragged them of to his lab.

"They have a radio?"

"**They are not even that scary! Now watching robot zombies- that is scary!**"

"Apparently they do!" Wheeljack was now pushing the two down the hall. "Later!"

"Are we still on for Dungeons and Ick-Yaks tomorrow?"

"Yes! Probably, maybe; I will bring the chips!"

"**Vampire robots, that's even scarier!**"

* * *

><p>"Damage report," Onslaught groaned, holding his head in hopes the processor ache would stop.<p>

They were lucky their armor protected them. If they got hit by something like that without the suits, they would definitely have ended up offline. It didn't take the serval long to get back up on his feet and begin dragging his soldiers into the sewers.

"Blergh …" Brawl spat out the last bits of vomit from his systems.

"Hot Shot is still unconscious, should get him to the hospital. I, myself, am experiencing soreness." Motormaster shut down his optics for a quick recharge.

"I am fine, just an old wound acting up." Razorclaw then leaned his head back and wistfully daydreamed for a few astronseconds about the kiss he stole from a beautiful mech today. "I wonder if our paths shall cross again?"

"… slag, I was hoping to read that," Blast-off, pouting, took out charred remains of some book. Realizing he was asked for a report, he sighed and lazily complied, "I'm fine, sheesh, can't we have one normal mission, dad?"

"Can it! Blitzwing?"

"Muuua!" The kittycon kissed the little piece of paper where Flipsides wrote her telephone number and stored it in his compartment, giggling. "Oh, I am fine."

"Where is Wheeljack?"

"Oh, what," Vortex crossed his arms and turned his head the other way, "Not interested in how I am doing?"

"No," the commander angrily cut him off.

"I am doing ok, thank you for asking."

"Where is Wheeljack."

"I knooooow!"

"Where is he?"

"I am not telling yooou!"

"Tell me or I will show Swindle pictures of you flirting with First Aid."

"… I don't know where he is …"

"Ah, frag it," Onslaught stretched and with a hand sign got his team to move out, "if anybody asks, they were destroyed."

"What about Wheeljack?"

"I will just text him, he will understand."

"Oh, well," the lynx sadly shrugged, sighed and took out a picture of Fireflight he managed to capture while they were still together, "I am so sorry I wasn't the one to take your virginity! At least there is still your physical virginity!"

"Vortex," Brawl grabbed his brother by the arm, dangerously wobbling from side to side, "can you help me walk?"

"Oh, sure, buddy!" He put his hand around the other's neck and the two slowly walked down the canals. "Did you take your medicine?"

"Eh, slag, can you give it to me?" The kittycon wiped the sweat off his faceplates. "It is in my left pocket."

"Which pocket?"

"The left one."

"Which left one?"

"The one that is not destroyed or burned."

"There are two."

"That one that has a box in it full of pills."

"Oh, right, sorry," with his free hand, the Combatikitty did as his brother asked but stopped when he saw the pills, "uh, Brawly?"

"Yeah?"

"Who gave you those?"

"The guy at the pharmaceutical thingy."

"Bumblebee?"

"Yeah."

"Well, that would explain a few things." Vortex took out one of the Ecstasy pills. "Wonder if this is from 'Bee's personal stash? I should get in on this …"

* * *

><p>"… but I don't want to go back!" Metabee was on the verge of tears. "I like it here!"<p>

"Waaaaalleeeeeee …" The tiny garbagebot was still recovering his systems from the overload he experienced earlier. Astro just remained quiet with his gaze still locked into empty space.

"You can't stay!"

"Why not?," the medabot grabbed the engineer's leg and looked at him with crying optics, "why not?"

"Because a voice in afterlife told me so!"

Jetfire and Jetstorm stood back and in hindsight, it was the right thing to do.

"Wait, what?"

"Shut up, it's complicated!" Wheeljack tried throwing the medabot off his pede but he was very unwilling to leave still. "Get off!"

"No!"

"The universe will be destroyed!"

"Whatever!"

"The space-time continuum is fragged up! It will lead to the destruction of all creation!"

"Now I know you are lying!"

"For Primus' sake, Metabee!," the engineer tried using his servos to pry off the annoying little robot, "Red Alert is the size of Unicron and is being chased by Unicron!"

"What? Who the hell is Unicron?"

"Oh, right," he stopped for a few astroseconds, "I keep forgetting you are not from here …"

"See?" The dicolor increased his pleas. "You can't even tell me apart from the rest of you!"

"You have to go back!" The scientist grabbed a pair of huge pliers and continued his attempts at removing the machine off his foot.

"No!"

"Why not?" Taking a controller from one of the robotic arms, he was about to try another approach.

"Because people there are mean and they don't have food that I like other than water-melons!"

"You like water-melons?" Wheeljack stopped in his tracks.

"Yeah! The hell I do!"

"I have been going about this all wrong!" The white mech placed the controller back on its recharger.

"That's what I have been trying to tell you, dumbass!" Metabee squeezed his leg further.

"Hm, where was it." The engineer kept digging around his storage compartment until he finally found what he was looking for, a lunch box made by Perceptor for him. Swiftly opening it, the inventor threw a few pieces of slightly soggy fruit onto the floor right next to the wide open portal.

"Kekekekekekeke!" Unable to resist his urges, the medabot rapidly crossed the room on his fours and was about to grab the object of his adoration when Wheeljack gave him a nice, tasty kick on the aft instead, sending the robot to the place where he belonged.

"Phew, that's done with," he took a bite out of the delicacy, "mmm! I love it! Ok, let's get those two back home …"

"Um, uncle Wheeljack?" The twins looked at him with their heads tilted.

"What is it, my dearies?" The engineer tiredly got on his knees and hugged the two.

"Want to be just like you we do!" The jets jumped their caretaker and lovingly snuggled with him.

"D'aw, you guys are the best!" Suddenly feeling his phone vibrate, he took it out. "Oh, give me a sec, this is Onslaught … if anybody asks … they were destroyed …"

"Oh, man!," Wheeljack smirked and quickly wrote a reply, "Onslaught is gonna loooove this!"

* * *

><p>Epilogue<p>

"I am so glad that all of this is over with!" Rumble switched the servo with which he carried his baseball bat.

"Yeah, I thought it would never end!," Frenzy sighed examining his, "good thing uncle Mirage allowed us to stay at his place! Dude, check this thing out! I hit the ball like five times in this place and it is still not bent!"

"Yo, that is sick! Oh," the purple twin snapped his fingers, "I wanted to run something by you."

"I don't think we should be getting Flipsides another sex toy …"

"No, not that! If we see any more aliens, let's not invite them to our house …"

"You got it!"

The two boys didn't notice how they approached the alley from which their two, already departed friends came out of. A shadowy figure moved along the walls, menacingly looking around with its lone blue eye.

"Sh," the black twin stopped his brother, "did you hear that?"

"I think so. What was that?" The two quickly ran up to the corner and listened very carefully.

"Location: Cybertron. Life forms: detected!" A rather big brown metallic thing came out with a skirt-shaped plating, decorated with half-spheres along its bottom half. Out of it's chest the organism had some sort of an egg-beater sticking out of it and quite a big plunger. The head that popped from around the corner had a stick with a blue-ish optic at the end. "Exterminate! Exterminate! Exter…"

"KILL IT!" The two, without any second thoughts, mercilessly began beating the alien with the baseball bats, caring little for aim. At long last, a few good kliks later, they got tired and stopped beating the devastated extraterrestrial. "I-i-i-is it d-d-d-d-dead?"

"What the frag is that thing?"

"What the frag is with its voice! It's so annoying!"

"… ex… ter… mi …"

"IT'S STILL ALIVE!"

"BEAT IT UNTIL IT STOPS TALKING!"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong>

**In case you did not get some of the characters or relationships:**

**Metabee: one of the main characters from Medabots.**

**Astro: one of the main characters from Astroboy.**

**Wall-e: one of the main characters from Wall-e, a movie made by Disney and Pixar ... I think ...**

**Dalek: shows up in the epilogue, belongs to an alien race from Doctor Who.**

**Ratchet and Wheeljack: from Generation 1 universe, they speak to Wheeljack during his time of death. Prowl makes the accent comment.**

**Shockblast: in the TFA universe he is a fan-made character to the best of my knowledge.**

**I decided to make the leader of the gestalt team to be the father, in this case, Onslaught is father to Blast-off, Swindle, Brawl and Vortex. Everything else I think should be relatively easy to get.**

**So ... instead of a cross over between Kittycons, Medabots and Astroboy this turned out to be a five-way crossover! I am kinda proud of myself, actually! **

**I was really surprised that I inspired C.M.D. to draw and write about Vortex x Fireflight from Kittycon universe, in a good way of course! Oh, how I enjoyed reading and looking at the works she made! GO check it out! It is in "Ears and Tails", chapter 2 ... well, read the whole thing and other stuff of hers! Especially Vengeance!**

**Either way, I hope you liked a lot! I am still working on the dialogs as to making it clear who talks when.**

**As I mentioned before, there are some ideas I have for the next crossovers, they will be coming ... eventually ... thanks to C.M.D. who proposed a crossover with Hound and Jackie Chan! Do not worry, the ideas are written so they will not be getting forgotten! Sorry for the wait! More is to come!**

**Don't forget to leave a review!**

**Thanks to C.M.D. for editing and reviewing!**


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